I was 18 years old when I got pregnant with Summer, and 19 when I had her. I was mature for my age and ready to be a mom, but at the same time, I was 19. The idea of breastfeeding made me really uncomfortable. I planned on pumping milk and bottle feeding her, to make sure she still got the best nutrition possible. After she was born, I pumped and pumped but the nurses encouraged me to also supplement with formula until my milk came in. I had a three day labor, suffering from pre-eclampsia (check out the size of my elbow in the picture below!), followed by a c-section. I was in horrible pain, and the pain meds were making me nauseous and really out-of-it. So...I agreed to the supplementation.
I kept pumping, but every other bottle ended up being formula because I was having trouble building up my milk supply. One night, I started to feel very guilty for not breastfeeding. I talked to Joe about it. He supported me either way but understood how I felt. Summer was only a few weeks old at the time, and we decided we would see if I could breastfeed her. She wouldn't latch on, and I felt like crying. I had failed my baby. This natural occurrence, something that is so natural, didn't. After that, my pumping slowly dwindled, until my milk supply was gone, and Summer drank formula for the rest of the year.
When I got pregnant with Camryn, I knew I was going to try breastfeeding her. The guilt I felt for not breastfeeding Summer was something I didn't want to feel again.
When Camryn was born, I tried breastfeeding as soon as we got to our hospital room. She didn't latch on. A few hours later, we tried again. She wasn't hungry. 9 hours later and multiple phone calls from the nurses asking if she had eaten yet, she still wasn't hungry. The nurse called again, and suggested that I just "give her a bottle of formula". I did not give in. A few more hours went by. Camryn finally latched on. It was a wonderful and beautiful experience. A lactation consultant came by and said I was doing everything right and her latch was great. And then the pain started. She was eating every 2 hours and by the third feed, I was in such excruciating pain, my feet would sweat while she ate. It made me want to scream and say really bad words. By the fifth feed, I decided to pump instead. It still hurt like heck and I watched as blood squirted out of my nipple and into the bottle. "Oh that's fine, she can still drink it," the baby nurse said. Right. I called the lactation consultant back and she watched me feed her. "Your position and her latch look just fine. The pain is normal and will lessen with time. Good luck!"
After we went home, I kept breastfeeding, waiting for the excruciating, foot-sweat inducing pain to go away. It never did. One day, I lost it. I burst into tears and said I couldn't do it any more. That day and the next, I gave Camryn formula. The day after that, the guilt set in. It was a Monday and Joe was at work. I woke up that morning, and decided I was going to continue breastfeeding. I breastfed her every 3 hours. The pain was horrible still, but I was doing what was right for her! I was so proud to tell Joe when he came home from work that I had breastfed her all day.And then, a few days later, the pain was even worse. Again, I lost it. I collapsed on my bed, and Joe came over and asked me what was wrong. "I want to do what is right for her, but it's making me miserable. It's making me resent her. I don't know if I can do this anymore," I told him through tears.
"Sweetheart.... Summer drank formula and she is as healthy as can be. You have tried so hard to breastfeed Camryn. I bet she would rather drink formula and have a happy mom than be breastfed and have you upset and in pain all of the time. That stress isn't good for any of us."
He was right. I hated the idea of giving up. I wanted to do the "right thing". I didn't want to be judged for not breastfeeding. But I had to do what was best for us as a family, so I did. We continued to give Camryn pumped milk that was stored in the freezer for awhile, and after it was gone she got formula.
My girls are as happy, healthy, and smart as can be. While I still wish I could have breastfed them, I know that they still got all the nutrition they needed, and they had a happy mom to go along with it. Some of you are going to think that I could have tried harder. Maybe I could have. At the time, I felt like I was doing the best I could. Now, I wish I could have given it one more day. But the point is, decisions such as this are so very personal. I could never judge another mom for not breastfeeding. If telling my breastfeeding story helps even one person feel better about their own decision, or helps someone think twice about judging another mom for making a choice different than their own, then sharing this will be worth it.
